I get the truth about Valerie Bertinelli and fat shaming because I've been there

When I was a size 22 woman in a size 2 world while working as a columnist for Cosmopolitan magazine, the fat-shaming defense didn’t exist. If it had, I would have happily hidden behind it. Social media makes it easy to say anything at any time without thinking about how those statements will affect another person. The recent storm over the fat-shaming remarks aimed at Valerie Bertinelli is a prime example of cyber bullying at its worst. But her viral video shows that she still hasn’t faced her personal demons to overcome the reasons she continues to struggle with her weight.

A hundred-plus pounds ago, I was always embarrassed about my size. I’ve felt the shame of being told I should lose weight. I’ve avoided eye contact with others because I knew they were judging me by the way I looked. What the people who shot me the side-eye or made rude comments and those who attacked Bertinelli don’t seem to understand is that their nasty remarks don’t compare to the endless loop of self-criticism that runs through any overweight person’s head.

After her first tearful video, Bertinelli followed up by saying that she had been “buying into the diet industry my whole life, and then I became part of the problem.”

For nearly twenty years, I bought into the lies the diet industry spews. That was partly because I was desperate to find something that worked permanently and just as important, because it was convenient to hand over the responsibility for my weight. I didn’t have to think. Whatever plan I was on told me what and how much to eat. That’s what these corporations count on. This is an $80 billion industry that keeps growing. Yet, our nation has never been fatter. As I say in my book, “at each meal, 93 million overweight American adults and 14 million overweight children and adolescents risk their lives. More than 300,000 die unnecessarily every year from obesity-related diseases.” Without our continued failures and resulting repeat business, these weight-loss companies would not be in business.

I doubt Bertinelli deliberately chose to fool anyone who was seeking help with losing weight. Maybe she sincerely believed that Jenny Craig was right for her as well as the people she was trying to sell. I’ve done the same thing dozens of times. I believed each new diet’s promises and told everyone I knew how the current one was the best one I’d ever tried. Until I learned to recognize that negative voice in my head I call Inner Bitch, and tell it to shut up, nothing was going to change. I spent thousands on weight-loss programs. I sat through hundreds of group meetings. I ate every frozen “low-fat” meal on the planet, but as soon as I dropped the plan, the weight began to pile on again. Just like Bertinelli’s did after leaving Jenny Craig.

The issue is bigger than disgruntled dieters or random bullies who’ve moved from the school yard to social media. Bertinelli’s comment is just more proof that the weight-loss industry fails most people, including high-profile celebrities. Yes, she was a spokesperson for a major company. She is also a woman who continues to struggle with her weight and body image.

Even when the shamers are silent, you’re still no closer to good health. Putting the spotlight of blame on them only detracts from the real challenge, the toughest one of all, and that is dealing with the inner shame so that you can work toward healing yourself.

Bertinelli admitted she is an emotional eater. I empathize with her struggle because I’ve been there. I also believe she is still in denial, and I believe she can beat her demons as I have beaten mine. Her repeated failures only prove that no matter who you are, nothing will help you lose weight and keep it off until you take back the responsibility for your health and life, fight back at the negative voice in your head, and turn away from the diet industry.